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The hype was huge for director Kaizad Gustad's second movie, Boom. His first, Bombay Boys (98), had Newsweek proclaiming him as one of the "new voices of Bollywood." A spunky flick about three young men living in Mumbai, it was a red-hot pepper for the critical crowd, who either loved or hated it but who all gave it props for being new. Boom was an ultra-expensive gangsters-versus-supermodels vehicle slated for a simultaneous international/Indian release. It featured a publicity-generating cast, including Bollywood icon Amitabh Bachchan; poster relic Bo Derek; Jackie Shroff (who also produced with his wife, Ayesha Shroff); a comeback turn by Sixties touchstone Zeenat Aman; and a bevy of popular Indian models. The critical success of its soundtrack (which, in Bollywood tradition, hit the streets well in advance of the film) and the heavy pre-release sales of pirate DVDs seemed to indicate nothing but success. With its premiere set for London, and the much-touted plans to release an English version ASAP, it was clear that Boom wanted to not only rule the new Hinglish production niche but also revive a soporific Bollywood year with its widely advertised big sex and high-style swagger.

The fact that all the hype coalesced around a movie that is, for all intents and purposes, a late-night T & A cable production is flabbergasting. The difference between what was promoted and what was produced is a chasm that nothing - not money, not good intentions, nothing - can bridge. Despite a solid opening week, the best Boom can hope for is some kind of Andy Sidaris-styled cult following in 10 or 15 years. Once its investors have passed away, and the early-millennium nostalgia movement begins, this boondoggle may seem quaintly charming. As it stands, it's an empty-headed bore, stuffed to the gills with warmed-over Tarantino-isms long past their expiration date.

For the record, the story involves three supermodels who stumble upon an international diamond-smuggling ring during a catfight on the catwalk, which ends with a bad weave disgorging dozens of antique diamonds. But this high/low concept beginning offers innumerable opportunities to go wrong, and Boom not only takes advantage of all of them but creates a few new ones in the process. The models are drawn into a criminal power struggle among three gangsters: Chote Mia (Jackie Shroff, fellated 24/7 by a woman who lives under his desk), Medium Mia (Gulshan Grover playing a character so underdeveloped his backstory doesn't add a single second to the running time), and Bade Mia (Amitabh Bachchan in a silver wig and silver suits, stealing scenes even with his nose buried in a comic book). Javed Jaffri plays his enforcer, Boom Shakar, who provides minimal comic relief, and Zeenat Aman plays Alice, Bade Mia's secretary, who does a riff on her seminal Hare Krishna Hare Ram number, then disappears for most of the movie, only to return for the unconvincing girl-power finale. The only actor who can hold her head up is Bandit Queen's Seema Biswas, who actually acts briefly before exiting in search of better material.

Each scene proceeds at the same monotonously shrill pace. Trying for a minimalist, brightly colored, smash-edit style, the film simply reflects the empty face of American straight-to-video movies back on itself. With its celebrity cameos, copious gunplay, and rambling scenes, it's the kind of thing that will be worshipped by trash connoisseurs 30 years in the future - but don't mistake that for any kind of endorsement. The three leads give unconvincing performances as models, which is bizarre since they are, actually, models. Kaizad wants to make a tongue-in-cheek crime film but can't manage to find either his tongue or his cheek. Pamela Anderson's VIP had more self-awareness.

And as for the incredible casting coup of Bo Derek? Her much-hyped role consists of two generic shots amounting to 20 seconds of screen time. The only amazing thing about this supposedly amazing movie is the fact that so much money, time, and publicity was wasted for something indistinguishable from the dozens of half-baked flicks that fill the dead zone of late-night cable.

Grady Hendrix is one of the founders and co-programmers of Subway Cinema, www.subwaycinema.com.

© 2004 by Grady Hendrix

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